A very important story needs to be told.....

Sunday Dec 6 2009:
This is a hard part of our lives to talk about but I now feel led to talk about it. In March of 2008 Justin and I both felt the call that we should start trying for a baby. So on March 27th my husband and I got the wonderful and shocking news we were expecting out 1st child! We were amazed and in awe of God. We couldn't believe it happened so quickly but we were ecstatic. We had our 1st ultrasound (April 30th) and it was beautiful. The heartbeat was so strong and I got to see how amazing Gods creation works. Reality set in very quickly that day and we were in love. Two weeks later was Mothers Day May 11th and it was very special but i was having some cramping for quit a few days. Not sure what was going on w/ my body we decided to go to the emergency room. We found out fairly quickly something was wrong but they wouldn't tell us for sure. They ended up not being able to find a heartbeat. It was an indescribable hurt! My heart was breaking into pieces! I'll never forget my husband saying "I never knew how much I wanted this child till it was gone." It was so true! So many questions for God but the biggest was why?? Something I will never know or understand here on earth. Praise God for all of our wonderful friends and family that surrounded us with love and prayers.
One of the most comforting verses in that time was:
1 Peter 5:10-11 (The Message)
So keep a firm grip on faith! The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ- eternal and glorious plans they are!- will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; Yes He does!!
We have been though a lot over this past year and 1/2. W/ trying to understand God's will for our lives. Our gracious God has been so good to us though. We got to go on trips we never would have been able to go on w/ kids. Our love w/ God and each other growing stronger. And no matter what....... I am not a Mother here on earth but I am in heaven. Wow!! I can't wait to see my baby one day! 
We started going to the fertility doctor in April 2009. We had a lot of decisions we had to make of the next step we wanted to make but finally in July we tried IUI (inter uterine insemination). Please google it if you don't know what it is. We found out w/in 2 weeks that is didn't work but we still had hope. So in Aug we decided to try again w/ the same procedure and no success. So..... we needed a break. We had already spent over $10,000.00 and no baby. It was a really hard decision to stop fertility but one that had to be made.
My husband is AMAZING! It makes me cry when I think of how God blessed me w/ this beautiful man. In fact in November for the 1st time he laid hands on my belly and asked God to give us a child in His name. I was in tears! Knowing that this man I loved so much was praying to our God for a child. It was beautiful! I am not saying God will give you something every time you pray for something in Jesus name but it is a bold and powerful prayer just as David, Paul and Moses prayed in the bible!
On Nov 4th i went to my OB's for my yearly women visit. Talking to my fantastic doctor she said "you should be getting pregnant...... I am not convinced something isn't wrong." So in 2 weeks so wanted me to come back and have an ultrasound. The tech giving me the ultrasound said "Huh..... has anyone ever told you that you have a uterine septum?' of course I said no b/c I had no idea what that even was. She said it was a double uterus.
Definition: A uterine septum is a band of tissue in the middle of the uterus, usually without much of a blood supply, that results from a congenital problem in the formation of the woman's uterus. The external surface of the uterus is normal in these cases. Uterine septum is the most common congenital uterine malformation (mullerian duct anomaly).
So maybe some answers we have been searching for, for over a year and 1/2. They had me meet w/ the doctor after the ultrasound to talk about the outcome. She said the only way to find out was to do a hysteroscopy. Putting a catheter and camera in my uterus to see if there is skin in there. It is a very fixable thing but it will include another surgery w/in the next few weeks. So we made an appointment for Dec 3rd to have this procedure done which I would have been under a general anesthesia for. The day before Dec 2nd I had some blood work done to make sure everything was good for the procedure the next day. I was really nervous about the procedure b/c it could be a lot of answers we have been looking for! So Dec 3 rd morning you can see that i blogged really really early that morning b/c God had showed me it is His will not mine that will be done. I wrote @ 7:15 that morning:
A prayer filled life is not necessarily a belief that God will do exactly what we ask for, but a trust that He will hear our desires and know what's best for us. A trust that He will lead, guide and direct us as we seek His will.
Little did i know that His will was for me not to have the surgery that day. I got a call at 8:45 from my doctor but i was in the shower so she left a message telling me the procedure is canceled b/c I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCUSE ME WHAT..... I WAS WHAT...... WAIT DID SHE JUST SAY PREGNANT!! I started screaming at the top of my lungs.... I didn't even finish the voicemail before i called my husband which was screaming as well. We were in shock.... how could this be..... This is Gods child..... HE DID THIS!! Only our God could do this!!! So I ran to the bathroom and started throwing stuff around in my cabinet to see if I had a pregnancy test and I found one. I took it and it said

Keep in mind I have taken test for almost 2 years straight so i knew it was true........ I just had to see it for myself. One of the 1st people I called was my best friend Kathryn and she started crying and asking when would I be due. I had no idea!! I usually knew these things but this month was different. So she typed it into the computer and she said OH WOW!! It is Aug 12th..... Our 4 year wedding anniversary! Crazy! What a wonderful anniversary gift!!  I can't wait!!
Friday Dec 11 2009:
Now it's been a week and it has been full of ups and downs. Emotions that I have never had in my life. Happy, scared, excited, and fear! The hardest feeling is wanting to love and have joy for this baby but scared to death to love again incase something happens once again. It is the hardest thing to want to love but so so so scared. I had blood test Monday Dec 7th and levels are still rising. Praise God! Had another on Dec 9th and still rising again Praise God! A great friend told me rising levels is like a lifelines every time you hear that everything is going ok. And it truly is! You almost hold you breath till the next time you hear back from the doctor. Also I had my 1st ultrasound and they found the baby's sack. It is so tiny but beautiful. No heartbeat yet b/c I am only around 5 weeks but I have another one on Monday. 
I am having a lot of cramping so they wanted to rule out a tubal pregnancy. They also found out i have a very large cyst on my right ovary so that is some of the hurt i am feeling. Also I have gastritis and ulcers which is purely brought on by stress. I wish i could say I wasn't stressed but that would be a lie. 
This is not my child....... no matter how much I want this child it's pure and simple God's child. He created this child! He chose me to carry one of his children once again..... why me..... I don't deserve this! He is amazing! 

5 weeks

Monday Dec 14th 2009:
Praise God! Wow what a week! Monday we had a ultrasound and it was great! We finally got to see the little bitty tiny baby. It was so little and precious. But no heartbeat yet b/c it starts at around 6 weeks so we anxiously waited till thursday for another ultrasound!! 

5 1/2 weeks

Thurs Dec 17th 2009:
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest w/ excitement when we saw the pitter patter of the heartbeat. In fact i jumped so much she couldn't keep a good view on it so I had to settle down quickly. When we finally saw it I grabbed my husbands hand and was ready to lose it but I kept it together so they could see all they needed to see. Oh it was so scary/exciting! Knowing this little angel inside of me has a heart beating  and developing just like my heart but still so scared of something happening to this baby. I think it will always be a fear of mine b/c of the loss we had. Please God take over these fears of mine and let them be filled w/ joy!!

6 weeks

Monday Dec 21st 2009:
Praise God! Today we heard a heartbeat!!! We couldn't believe our ears when we heard it. We both just started looking at each other w/ joy! It was a such a sweet heartbeat and he or she is growing so much. Just in 5 days it is such a difference. Heart rate was 115! Now we have the longest wait yet......till the next ultrasound. We have a week which may not seem that long for most people but is has been such a relief going every 5 days but with God I can make it. 

6 1/2 weeks

Sunday Dec 27 2009:
Well this week has seem like an eternity! We have drove twice to Granbury in one week. So that is about 17 hours in the car! Crazy! Christmas was awesome w/ the family but the 3 inches of snow in Granbury was beautiful. It was extremely scary for my family that was driving and some of them didn't make it b/c they were stuck on 377 for 6 hrs or more. But they finally made it home safely. I love my family so very much and can't believe how blessed I am! 
Tomorrow I go to the doctor and I am so scared/excited. I haven't cramped in 2 days but before that I was cramping quit a bit. It scares me so bad when it is happening. I want to fully and completely trust God even when i am cramping but it's just so hard. I never want to fear the plans my God has for me but I am also scared he might take it away from me again. 
Isaiah 43:1 Fear NOT, I have redeemed you: I have called your name. You are mine!
Monday Dec 28th 2009:
More Praising God today! Grown so much in just one week. We heard the heart beat again. It was so amazing (wish I had a better vocabulary b/c there are better words for the way i feel). We saw a little leg that u will see in the picture and a spinal cord is forming. So cool! The heart rate was 150. Strong little one. My guess is a girl b/c of the heart rate but I guess we won't know for quit a few more weeks! 
This week will be hard.... I lost the baby last time this week. I am doing my best to keep those hard thoughts out of my head but it's so hard. I am now going to be waiting for a week and half which is the longest I have gone but I will be looking forward to Jan 7th so I will just wait very impatiently to see God's sweet little miracle again!

7 1/2 weeks

Monday Jan 11th 2010:
Praise God for his abundant blessings!!! The baby was perfect on thursday! Last week I started throwing up in the morning some but only when and after I was brushing my teeth. I didn't care at all as long as the baby was ok. On thursday morning I woke up throwing up. I think it was mostly nerves but some was morning sickness. It took me 2 hours to get ready b/c of it but I didn't care. After all the throwing up I started feeling a little excitement for seeing my child which the last 2 weeks I have had not had excitement b/c I was scared to death. As I said before last week was when I lost the baby so I had many scared and fearful emotions last week. And a lot of anxiety! So we got to the doctors office and I was nauseous all over again. But again I think a lot of it was nerves. So when she called us back I was taking some big breaths b/c I was so scared. As soon as she started the sono I exclaimed does it have a heartbeat?? And she quickly replied yes:) Tears started flowing down my face! I have never gripped my husbands hand so tight in all of my life. We both were in tears by this point! He or she was beautiful! So much bigger than last time! We even saw him or her move a little! So much fun! Could not have been a better day!
Now I wait another 2 weeks until i go again on Jan 21st! Again it will feel like eternity but W/ God I can do it! 

9 weeks

Friday Jan 29th 2010:

Praise God!!! Last Thursday we got to see our sweet little girl or boy! My husband and best friend Kat went w/ me so we all got to watch in amazement together! Absolutely wonderful to see this little angel. He or She was flopping all around in my belly. It is so crazy how you can't feel anything but you see it in there moving. I loved every minute of it! I won't get another sono till we find out the sex in 3 weeks but it will be the best one yet! God is sooooo good!!! 

1st time you can really see profile 11 wks

Tues Feb 9th 2010:

Praising God is never enough! Thurs Feb 4th we got to have the dopler to check on the sweet little baby and we heard a heart beat right away! It was so awesome and went by way to quick. I could listen to it all day. I am in awwweee of God's miracles. I think my heart sometimes skips a beat when I hear the heart beat. 

Today I went to the doctor w/ a friend who is 7 weeks pregnant and my doctor did the dopler on my belly once again just so I could hear that sweet heart beat again. I loved every second of it!! So now...... we have 9 days till we find out if we are having a boy or girl:) As long as the baby is on his or her best behavior. We are super excited about finding out and ready to start planning for this sweet bundle of JOY!! Thank you God for choosing me!! I don't deserve this!